Toys to Destroy: V-Tech Rhyme and Discover

Why do kids love the toys you hate most? Do they have extrasensory perception and think, Oh man. She hates this shit. I’M GOING TO LOVE IT AND GO BATSHIT FOR IT.

The most recent offender? The V-Tech Rhyme and Discover book.

It’s got lights. Sounds. Moving parts. Music. Animals. It’s the perfect storm of baby toys.

And I want to kill it with fire.

The woman’s voice is flat and condescending. And demanding. “Turn the page!” “It’s time for a rhyme!” “Find the kitty!”

You’re a toy. Let my kid tell YOU want to do.

Sing ME a song, bitch.

On top of that, she starts a song AND THEN REFUSES TO FINISH. The crappy Casio keyboard band keeps playing but she disappears to go chug some vodka. Leaving the parent, presumably, to finish the damn rhyme for her. But guess what! I don’t remember any of that shit.

Hey. Crazy V-Tech Book Lady. DO YOUR %!#! JOB!!

And add a Samba beat to it. Spice it up.

And, as if that wasn’t enough, if you do remember the words, SHE SINGS DIFFERENT ONES.

Ring around the rosy

The doggy chased the kitty

Hush-a hush-a they all fall down

What. the. shit. is. THAT?!

It’s a rhyme and discover book, correct?

That doesn’t even rhyme.

That. Doesn’t. Rhyme.

THAT DOESN’T $^@$!$ RHYME.

I’ll let that sink in.

I’m discovering this toy sucks.

I also had no idea pockets full of posies were so offensive.

I hate it. I hide it under the crib and use it only in the case of baby melt-down emergencies.

KILL IT WITH FIIIRRREE.

vtechfire

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