I’m Back and My Kid Got Shitty Halloween Candy

Well, hello there! I’m back. And if you’re reading this then so are you and that makes my bitter heart just soar through the heavens or whatever. It’s been a busy year for the Dear !@#%# Family, but I won’t lie, I wasn’t here much because I didn’t have the energy, had nothing to say, or most often just couldn’t be asked to give a shit. I wanted to, believe me, but it seemed to be so much of a struggle to muster up the strength to write and be witty.

For a quick update: Little A is 4, Mini B is 15 months, our dear Pit Bull Baxter died, We got a dumb Pibble puppy named Abe in his place, and our cat currently has fleas because he’s a jerk.

Now on to the sweet stuff.

Or not so sweet stuff as it would have it.exhibit1

We live in a pretty great neighborhood. Friendly families, lots of kids, quiet streets. However, neighbors seem to get pretty shifty when it comes to haunted candy. Pretty sure we were one of the few houses last year that actually handed out chocolate. You know, the GOOD SHIT. Kid’s bag was filled with stale gum and Jolly Ranchers and that shitty peanut butter taffy that no one eats.

So this year, I bought the good stuff again, kept out a sizable amount for myself so I wouldn’t have to eat the kid’s crummy haul, got the kids dressed, and out we went. Turns out, the neighbors stepped up their game and there was a fair amount of edible treats. There were, however, some true crimes against Halloween. We totes got TRICKED.

Exhibit A
Christmas Candy. Christmas candy that, based on looking up candy expiration codes that I decoded thinks to random candy blogs, had expired in 2009. TWO THOUSAND FUCKING NINE. Thanks for almost giving my kid the plague, asshat.

Exhibit B
More expired Christmas candy that was discovered after the first batch was thrown out. Kid chose to eat his Golden Oreos. As I cursed under my breath because I was going to eat those when he wasn’t looking, I happened to see the date. Aaaaaand those $^%$#! expired December of LAST YEAR. This is just getting rude.

Exhibit Cexhibit2
Apparently an elderly household (I mean, I can only assume it’s elderly because no other reasoning makes sense) thinks the little hooligans in the neighborhood need to be more regular and handed out Fiber One brownies. ARE YOU $%@# SHITTING ME RIGHT NOW?!

Exhibit D
This is more a rant on the candy industry than the neighbors, but the neighbors still bought and handed them out, so screw them both.Β Chocolate bars shrinking was horrific enough, but what in Sam Hill is this abomination?! I don’t even like Tootsie Pops and this offends me to the core. Shown in photo: Regular sized Tootsie Pop and the new teeny weeny sized one that would take way less than three licks to get to the center.

Bonus WTF
HOW CAN SOMETHING BE SMOOTH AND CRUNCHY?! THAT CAN’T BE A THING. I’m still going to eat it. For science.

Thanks for coming back! I hope I can once again live up to my not-even-that-high “funny” standards.

Did you find any weird/crazy/atrocious Halloween candy when you were taking your parental candy tax?

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