Sleeping Through the Night: A #$&!% Tutorial

Little A has slept through the night three four nights in a row so I am dubbing myself an expert and I am ready to share my secrets with you.

It’s 7pm. Do you know where your baby is?

1. Is it sleeping? Wake their ass up. Keep it awake until 9 pm.

2. Is it crying? You shouldn’t have woken it up then, donut. Try a pacifier.

3. Does it smell like feet? Is it 9 pm or later? Give it a warm bath.

4. !$%!%ing feed it. Babies always want to eat. Feed it as much as it’ll take.

5. Burp it.

6. Change its poo pants. Or the diaper, as you may call it.

7. PUT IT IN FEETIE PAJAMAS. This is key. KEY. You won’t succeed without binding its feet in the cutest PJs you can find. Seriously. Skip this step and you’ll be up at 3 am, wondering why you failed to listen to the epic advice of !@#$%! Baby.

8. Hang out until 10 pm. Watch a scary movie, read a book, eat Cheez-Its, whatevs. Just don’t let it fall asleep yet.

9. Game Time. Swaddle it. Do not use heavy flannel, heating pads or electric blankets, you fool. It’s still summer-ish. Don’t be dumb. Use something light. Or don’t swaddle it if you don’t roll that way. Not important.

10. Put it in the crib. Give it a kiss. Turn out the lights. Don’t look back. If you’ve done things right it should pass out immediately.

11. ENJOY QUIET BLISS FOR SEVEN HOURS.

You’re welcome.

The secret to sleep lies in the feet.

$%^@# Baby makes no guarantee  on the usefulness of these tips and does not promise your baby will sleep. Ever. You’re on your own. Side effects include headache, nausea, ear wax, exhaustion, cravings for string cheese and crooked pinkies. Use only as directed.

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