Irish Cupcakes. Yes, Again.

Irish Car Bomb Cupcakes - More booze than your average recipe means more delicious for your facehole.

Irish Cupcakes, made with Guinness, Baileys and Jameson. More booze than your average recipe means more delicious for your facehole.

Everyone and their dog has a recipe for Irish Cupcakes, aka Irish Car Bombs. But let’s be real here, mine are going to be the best. Because I add extra booze. If you’re going to put booze in cupcakes, you better be able to #@%$@ taste it and the recipes I started with, well, they just tasted like cupcakes. Not booze cakes. I LIKE BOOZE CAKES.

For the unfamiliar, there are Guinness chocolate cupcakes, Jameson whiskey ganache filling and Baileys buttercream to top it all off. Yeah. I know, right? Continue reading

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Food for Faceholes: Chicken Fajita Chowder

Chicken Fajita Chowder via dearexpletivebaby.com

As you may know, I have quite a penchant for making fun of Sandra Lee and her whole box-things-turned-into-gross-new-things shtick.

And then a few years ago I realized that Big A and I semi-homemade something that immediately became a staple in this house and now it’s time to share  it with the world. Or the eight of you that read this.

V-8 made this pretty decent boxed corn chowder stuff and we turned it into a better take on chicken tortilla soup.

AND THEN V-8 DISCONTINUED THE SOUP AND I WAS ANGRY. ANGRRYYYYYY.

Trader Joe’s saved the day when I discovered a suitable substitution, though.  So if you have a TJ’s…you can have this chowder. If not, well, then you’re shit out of luck and I got nothing for ya.

We always have the ingredients for this in the house, so it really isn’t “fresh”, but damn we like it. Frozen chicken breasts, jarred jalapenos, seasoning packets, WHAT UP. I have zero qualms about my sodium use. Clearly you can use whatever fajita seasoning blend (you fancy people and your Penzey’s and your whatnot) you like and adjust to taste. I never used to add corn, but the Campbells/V8 soup had a little more texture than the Trader Joe stuff so I add some now if I have it.

Chicken Fajita Chowder

2 chicken breasts
1 box TJ’s Creamy Corn and Roasted Pepper Soup
1 can black beans, drained and rinsed
fajita seasoning
2 tbsp finely chopped jalapenos (optional)
1/2 cup frozen corn (optional)

Place the chicken breasts in a crock pot and cover halfway with water. Sprinkle about a tablespoon of fajita seasoning over the top and cook on low for about five hours, less if using thawed breasts.

Remove chicken; shred or chop it. Empty water from the crock pot and clean out on residual chicken gunk that may be left behind.

Put soup, chicken, black beans, jalapenos and corn back into the crock pot. Add about two tablespoons of the fajita seasoning, or to taste. Heat through on high – about 45 minutes. You could also do this on the stove – this would take about 15 minutes, but why dirty another pot.

Serve, topped with shredded cheese and tortilla chips. Sour cream it up if you’ve got it.

Variation: SAVE FIVE HOURS. Use chopped or shredded rotisserie chicken, start at step three, dump everything into a pot and heat on the stove for 20 minutes. I’ve never done it that way, but I fail to see how it wouldn’t work.

I like to make things more complicated.

And there you have to. FIVE HOUR or TWENTY MINUTE CHICKEN FAJITA CHOWDER.

Chicken Fajita Chowder via dearexpletivebaby.com

You’re welcome.

Food for Faceholes: Egg Rolls

Welcome to the first installment of Food for Faceholes! The title comes from the usage of everything food related in this house, like my menu planning book and my Pinterest board. I will warn you in advance that this household has exactly zero “foodies”. We are not gourmet. We like things simple, midwestern, low on veggies, high on meat. We are picky eaters and proud of it.

That said, let’s get down to business.

Pork Egg Rolls - dearexpletivebaby.com

Note to Self: Master Food Beauty Shots.

You’re an idiot if you don’t like egg rolls. THERE, I SAID IT. Even me, the intensely defiant lettuce hater, loves these things that are 60% cabbage. My mom has been making these forever and I find them deliciously comforting.

The recipe originally called for a head of cabbage, but that’s a lot of work to blanch it and chop it and I’m lazy. Solution? Cabbage in a bag! Or coleslaw mix! With carrots! Why not! I do run it through a food processor with the green onions to chop it all even finer and that makes them easier to roll. Same with the pork – grind that meat up after it’s browned. (Bonus tip: I grind my taco meat for that Taco Bell like texture. Makes excellent nachos.) I only have one of these (Side note, holy hell I didn’t know they came in colors, I got it as a wedding gift and now, shit, I want the turquoise one) so it takes a few rounds to get it all done, but it’s worth it.

Pork Egg Rolls - dearexpletivebaby.com

MOST OF THE DOUBLE BATCH, BITCHES!

Usually when I make these, I double the recipe below. If I’m going to go through all this work, I’d rather do it once, spend a little more time, and then have the fruits of my labor in the freezer for months! These freeze great, just don’t fry them fully if you plan on freezing them. When you want ’em, grab them from the frozen depths and pop them in the oven (I generally go 400º, but you could do whatever temp you may be using for the rest of your dinner) on a rack over a cookie sheet for 10-15 minutes and they will heat through and finish browning.

Egg Rolls

Recipe adapted from Leeann Chin Chinese Cookbook
Yield 16-18 regular sized egg rolls
 

1/2 pound ground pork
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp cornstarch
1/2 tsp soy sauce
dash of white pepper

1 bag of shredded cabbage or coleslaw mix
1/3 cup green onions, chopped
1 tsp salt
1 tsp five spice powder

1 package of egg rolls skins OR wonton wrappers
1 egg, beaten

Mix the first five ingredients and refrigerate for 20-30 minutes. Run the green onions and cabbage through a food processor if desired, finely chopping it. Brown the pork until no longer pink; grind if desired for even consistency and smaller pieces. Mix the pork, cabbage and green onions in the pan or wok, adding salt and five spice powder. Saute the mixture for a few minutes and then remove from the heat and cool.

Beat the egg in a small bowl and get ready to roll!
Place about 1/2 cup of mixture in the center of an egg roll skin. (If using wonton wrappers, 1 tablespoon will do). Fold one corner over the mixture, fold the sides in, brush the remaining corner with the egg and roll to seal*.

Repeat. Many times.

Heat oil in your preferred frying vessel to 350°. In batches, fry egg rolls until golden brown and crispy. Remember to only fry about 70% of the way if you plan on freezing.

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*Seriously, there are videos and turtorials out there that can demonstrate this better. I don’t know how to explain it clearly. But it ain’t hard, folks!
**Original recipe also calls for dried black mushrooms and bean sprouts, so if you like that shit, add that shit.