Get Ready. Or Not.

I told you I could disappear for weeks! I may bullshit but I never lie.

In the last two weeks, things went a little hectic. Big A and I spent a few days in Boston seeing the sights and exploring the city. And by that I mean drinking all the beer.

ALL THE BEER.

Cheers to beer, Boston, cardboard Sam Adams and you guys!

Cheers to beer, Boston, cardboard Sam Adams and you guys!

Then it was a whirlwind of avoidance and preparation for his sixth deployment. SIXTH. And while we had become accustomed to these things, even sometimes looking forward to them, this one hit us hard. I tease my husband about his lack of feelings and I couldn’t make fun of him when we drove to the airport this time.

Oh, whatever. I still found a way to make fun of him. It made ME feel better.

So now it’s just me and the kid. And the dog and the cat. And the house that betrays me.

You’re either going to get a whole lot of posts now or a whole lot of nothing. Doing this single parent thing is exhausting, especially when you have a baby that may or may not like food on any given day who also needs to eat more than he does because he’s falling off the curve. I try to write during his morning nap, but that’s when I clean up the hovel. Or if I do sit down to write then it’s dark in the basement to keep him asleep and to be honest, I fall asleep much of the time, too. Sleep is awesome.

Sleep when the baby sleeps is still a rule at 11 months old, right? HOLY SHIT HE’S ELEVEN MONTHS OLD.

The only other time I really have to write would be after bedtime and by then I just want to veg out and watch the shit that’s piling up on my DVR. Thoughts are hard. TV is easy. Which is also why I’ve been reading a lot of your blogs but not commenting. I am out there. Stalking.

Hope you all have a fab weekend, it’s a long one here in the good ol’ USA!

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Push Out Baby. Get Present.

“Push Presents” – both the term and the actual gifting – crack my shit up. Unfamiliar with this practice? Let me fill you in. Typically in Push Present Scenarios, Husband buys Wife a gift for birthing their child. FOR BIRTHING THEIR %^&#@! CHILD.

If a he doesn’t produce a present, will the mom-to-be clench up and hold the baby in until he buys her a treat?! I would certainly hope not, but some women are %!#$%ing determined. And what if the woman ends up having a c-section? Does he get to take the push present back because, well, she doesn’t deserve it since she didn’t actually push?

The baby and not being pregnant any longer and the upcoming opportunity to explore non-maternity clothing and beer should be the gift. THE NEW BABY SHOULD BE YOUR PUSH PRESENT. And beer. Beer helps with breastfeeding. And it’s delicious. Count that as a bonus present. With a giant entree of YOU JUST HAD A BABY.

What is that, a carat? Pssh, try again, buddy. I can wait.

It’s the entitlement of some women that just gets me. The expectation that she deserves presents upon delivery. That because SHE carried this baby around for nine months and SHE had to deal with all the symptoms and pain and SHE had to push it out of HER body that SHE should get a %^!$! present. Umm, hate to break it to you honey, but that’s what your body was sort of designed to do and women worldwide have lived to tell the tale for eons without a new pair of diamond earrings. Also, judging by your entitlement, I bet YOUR husband had to put up with YOUR shit and YOUR whining and YOUR bitching and if anyone deserves a present it’s HIM. YOU probably deserve a punch in the face.

And it isn’t just little things desired as push presents, like a knick knack with baby’s monogram or a little bauble with the kid’s birthstone. Nope. It’s EPIC THINGS. Diamond studs, new wedding ring settings, tennis bracelets, designer bags, etc. Usually nothing relevant to the baby at all. This is all about Mom’s Journey into Motherhood and the Expensive Gift to Represent It. Seriously. WTF.

I feel sorry for the child who will have to grow up in that type of entitled atmosphere. Except they won’t even notice because those raised in that environment tend to be of the “Special Snowflake” variety who cry if they don’t get a trophy for coming in last. BUT THAT’S A WHOLE OTHER POST.

Will I turn down a present if presented upon presentation of Little A? No. Of course not. I’m not an idiot. I like presents. But am I expecting one? Aside from the bedside post-delivery Manhattan, not at all. I can’t even be facetious and make up a wish list to post here. That’s how dumb I think this new “tradition” really is.

Although I have wanted an emerald cut diamond solitaire pendant for about ten years…