Dear #%@# Baby:
Did you have fun yesterday? Did you notice a difference in Mama’s attitude, fun level, patience and easygoingness? Because I sure as shit did.
Look back, try and recall what was different. Think hard. Rememmmmber.
SLEEP. YOU $^@$!#%ING SLEPT. LIKE, ALL THE TIME. WITHOUT BEING SICK.
And it was awesome.
You awoke at 7am, chatted a little, screamed a little, then went silent when I told you to go back to sleep. I figured you would wake up at your normal 8am, which is still too early for me but anything before noon truly is, but you didn’t. Not even 9. Not even motherloving TEN. Which is when we should have left to go to yoga.
No. My sweet, awesome little man. You slept until TEN FUCKING THIRTY.
And then woke up in a good mood. And I was in a fantastic mood because I got to sleep until TEN FUCKING THIRTY!
In fact, I woke up BEFORE you. And sort of freaked out that you had Shawshanked your crib again and were somewhere in the house doing God knows what. But a peek at the monitor assured me you were still contained. And then I thought OMG HE CHOKED ON HIS SNOT! So I climbed out of bed, peeked my head in your room and heard your soft little snores. I was all like, “sweet, dude!” and turned to leave so I could climb back into bed and play Candy Crush but my old ass hip popped loudly and you started to stir.
Didn’t even care, yo. It was TEN FUCKING THIRTY!
I gave you a few minutes to wake up, you greeted me with smiles and chatters and giggles and dinosaur roars. You ate a decent breakfast, listened to directions for a change and we had a fantastic morning. Even chatted with me throughout the grocery store and acted like a monkey when we bought bananas and holy shit sometimes you’re really cute.
Like when I’m not sleep deprived because my body still refuses to go to sleep before 1am. Like when I get to sleep in. UNTIL TEN MOTHERFUCKING THIRTY!!
And then. AND THEN. Three o’clock rolled around. And you started to get a little cranky. And I had a few things to do around the house. But I thought there was no way, NO WAY, I could possibly get you to nap. I let you pick out a toy or two and a book or two and you didn’t even flinch when I dropped them into the crib. And then I dropped you in there. And you picked up the book and didn’t even noticed when I left the room.
Not a peep.
Not a sound.
Not a rustle or cackle or scream or sign of being wound.
You fell asleep.
I got some shit done, went in to check on you because in no way was this real life and then because I could, even though I wasn’t actually tired, I NAPPED TOO.
Best. Day. Ever.
High five, kid. Today was a good day.
Let’s make this our everyday, huh? Things around here will be so much more tolerable for everyone involved.
OK, not everyday because I do like yoga but non-yoga days.
Oh, FORGET yoga, we’re cancelling the gym membership today anyway. DO THIS EVERY DAY.
BEST @$^%^(*@!# DAY EVEERRRRRRRRR!!