Bananas are the Worst.

My former coworkers can verify that I used to throw a minor fit when the old developer guy next to me would nom on bananas at his desk. The wretched smell would waft over the short cubicle wall and into my banana-free zone. And I would dry heave. When I was pregnant, I actually had to step away when he (or anyone else in the office) ate them. I never said anything, because really, it’s just a #%!#$ banana. And he was a really sweet guy. And it was all over in a few minutes anyway. Plus, hello excuse to leave my desk.

If you didn’t gather from that enthralling anecdote, I hate bananas. They are good for one thing only: banana bread. And when I make banana bread, I pretty much hold my breath until the pan slides into the oven where is becomes delicious non-banananey goodness.

I don’t know if this is true. I also don’t want to find out.

At first glance, they are a perfect food. Cheap, abundant, wrapped in its own easy-peel wrapper that doubles as a cutting board, full of potassium and some other shit.

DO NOT BE FOOLED.

They are also filled with spiders.

And apparently the bottom end of it tastes like Beelzebub’s booty. (Can someone verify this?)

DID I MENTION THAT THEY ARE FILLED WITH SPIDERS?!

Spiders, people. Venomous ones.  No. Just. NO.

The worst. THE WORST.

Unfortch, Little A goes apeshit for bananas. His first real word is thisclose to being banana. He freaks out when I put them in the grocery cart. He powers through an entire one for breakfast. I have to touch them on a daily basis. And one would think, after five months of a daily peeling, I would be immune to its powerful scent. I am not.

Does anyone really like bananas? IT’S A CHIQUITA CONSPIRACY. I feel like the world thinks everyone LOVES bananas but nearly everyone I know does not. Including my mom’s side of the family, where a conversation yesterday exposed a communal hatred among two cousins, my brother and myself.

bananas

I will continue to give in to Little A’s obsession and continue to cut off the apparently awful tasting booty end. Because I love my little spawn.

The sacrifices we make as parents, amiright?

BANANAS. NO. NOOOOOOOOO.

.

Sidenote: This post was really hard to write as my N key isn’t working so well. SO MANY EDITS.

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16 thoughts on “Bananas are the Worst.

  1. So as I’m peeling my banana and reading this post…
    Really I don’t mind bananas. The end piece is not something I’ve ever had a problem with either. I run a lot and the potassium is really good after a long jaunt through the park. But I get it, they’re not for everyone. I suppose if I found spiders in my bananas I would be put off of them for a while, because quite frankly that would cause me to set off C4 explosions and level the entire house, just to make sure I got all of them.

    Wonderful post, as per usual.

    • Ah, yes, the runners “treat”. Yay, you just ran 26.2 miles…you win a banana!! And people wonder why I stopped running after one half marathon. 😉

      I’m surprised I didn’t level the entire neighborhood after this summer’s spider invasion!

      • After a run I actually prefer citrus fruits, but bananas will do in a pinch. Muffins are really great too.

        In such cases of spider invasion it would not be unreasonable to nuke the city from orbit. :p

  2. Haha hilarious post! I love it!
    I have a bit of a struggle with bananas too. I totally understand you or anyone else not liking them. The smell is a huge factor for me, the thought ‘anti-social’ has actually crossed my mind once or twice when someone has eaten a banana near me. It isn’t anti-social really, I know, it’s me, it’s my problem…
    Apart from the smell, the taste of a banana is not too bad, in fact I think I would probably even go so far as to say I like the taste. But… I have something against the texture of a banana in my mouth. It makes the corners of my mouth turn down just thinking about it.
    Now don’t get me wrong, I would eat a banana, if I was hungry and there was nothing left on earth to eat. But thankfully we have a wide range of choice when is comes to food.
    Also I do like bananas in things, think carrot cake, banana bread (as you mentioned), it’s eating a banana as it is (or someone else eating a banana as it is) that I have a small problem with. Dried banana and banana milkshakes/yoghurt drinks are good too.
    I very much understand your problem with bananas! 🙂

  3. I love bananas, so I have no idea what you’re talking about for the most part… When I was pregnant, though, the texture of the inside (like, the points of the three triangley segments) of not very ripe bananas kind of felt like those weird sour candy straws, and that was less than appetizing, but otherwise bananas are utterly amazing. Equally amazing in baked goodies, but just perfect by themselves!

    However, if you’d like Little A to conform to the rest of your family and jump on the hate-bananas bandwagon, maybe start feeding him the Satan butthole part? Perhaps that will help put a bad taste for bananas in his mouth. You’ll probably also scar him for life, but at least you won’t have to cut up bananas anymore. 😉

  4. ZakcHead says:

    OmG where do you find that picture? That’s hilarious !! Btw, I found a funny poem for you.

    Banana nut butt is his name
    playing with bananas is his game
    he loves bananas
    and he has yellow bandanas
    and sticks it in his butt.

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