Hey. Grunty McGruntster. ENOUGH ALREADY.

Dear @#$%#! Baby.

I’ve come to terms with you not talking yet. At fifteen months, give or take, I understand that it’s still totes mcgotes normal that you are not using words. You make cute sounds some mornings, you yell at things outside and will toddle around the basement talking to yourself.

So we’re good with that. The cute noises are A-OK.

BUT THE MOTHERFUCKING GRUNTING HAS GOT. TO. STOP.

That guttural, phlegmmy, closed mouth, nonstop, frustrated grunt has got to beat even the most annoying sound in the world. I would rather you scream, screech, run your nails down a chalkboard, sound like a jackhammer, make a sound like dial-up internet circa 1996, ANYTHING.

You’ve been making the sound for a long time. But then you stopped. And I was happy. BUT THEN YOU STARTED BACK UP AGAIN, WTF.

You would be kicked out of Planet Fitness.

I get that you get frustrated and you don’t know how to tell me what you want and you don’t really understand what you’re doing or why your doing it and maybe you like the feel of it in your throat. I get that. I also don’t care. I also can’t shake the feeling, regardless of how crazy it is, that the grunting is a sign of the many hypochondriac things I think are wrong with you. So even though I know I’m wrong, your obnoxious sound makes me think you’re broken. That doesn’t help the situation. At all.

There’s a reason we learned to talk. If we all grunted at each other the way you do, we’d punch everyone in the face. That’s no way to run a society.

SO STOP GRUNTING. USE WORDS. STFU.

At the very least, do it AFTER I’ve had my coffee. Your grunts first thing in the morning could be an alarm clock on Guantanamo.

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9 thoughts on “Hey. Grunty McGruntster. ENOUGH ALREADY.

  1. My son did not talk until he was three. The day I was going to take him to the speech and hearing clinic to get him tested, he told the day care workers, “My daddy is here, get me my coat.” (But no grunting!)

  2. Ok, first…totes mcgotes is pretty much my favorite quote ever and I regularly try to use it in everyday conversation. So…appreciated. Second, my son grunts constantly. To the point that his father and I grunt back at him and say “I like them french fried potatoes…ummhmmmm” like in the movie Sling Blade. Because that’s what his grunting sounds like. Don’t worry – he’s not broken. He’s just a boy πŸ™‚

  3. Okay, my son is only 6 months. But, I am so glad there is someone else that feels the same way I do about that noise! I’d rather him cry than make that frustrated grunting noise.

  4. EplusThree says:

    I am dying of laughter because it’s 3:30am one of my 2-yr old twins has been making that very same sound for the past 45 minutes and it’s been going on every night for the past two weeks. It happens sometimes during the day, too, but in the wee morning hours is when I am most susceptible to carving my eyeballs out with a melon baller because of that horrific sound. I can’t tell you how relieved I am to not only read someone else’s plight (although I wish it on no one), but in the exact way I FEEL (expletives included).
    Thank you, thank you, thank you, and most importantly, I hope you have since found peace.

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