Toys to Destroy: V-Tech Rhyme and Discover

Why do kids love the toys you hate most? Do they have extrasensory perception and think, Oh man. She hates this shit. I’M GOING TO LOVE IT AND GO BATSHIT FOR IT.

The most recent offender? The V-Tech Rhyme and Discover book.

It’s got lights. Sounds. Moving parts. Music. Animals. It’s the perfect storm of baby toys.

And I want to kill it with fire.

The woman’s voice is flat and condescending. And demanding. “Turn the page!” “It’s time for a rhyme!” “Find the kitty!”

You’re a toy. Let my kid tell YOU want to do.

Sing ME a song, bitch.

On top of that, she starts a song AND THEN REFUSES TO FINISH. The crappy Casio keyboard band keeps playing but she disappears to go chug some vodka. Leaving the parent,Β presumably,Β to finish the damn rhyme for her. But guess what! I don’t remember any of that shit.

Hey. Crazy V-Tech Book Lady. DO YOUR %!#! JOB!!

And add a Samba beat to it. Spice it up.

And, as if that wasn’t enough, if you do remember the words, SHE SINGS DIFFERENT ONES.

Ring around the rosy

The doggy chased the kitty

Hush-a hush-a they all fall down

What. the. shit. is. THAT?!

It’s a rhyme and discover book, correct?

That doesn’t even rhyme.

That. Doesn’t. Rhyme.

THAT DOESN’T $^@$!$ RHYME.

I’ll let that sink in.

I’m discovering this toy sucks.

I also had no idea pockets full of posies were so offensive.

I hate it. I hide it under the crib and use it only in the case of baby melt-down emergencies.

KILL IT WITH FIIIRRREE.

vtechfire

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11 thoughts on “Toys to Destroy: V-Tech Rhyme and Discover

  1. LOL!!! I have the same thing, just different songs! “STORY TIME!”:

    “Three little kittens
    They lost their mittens
    And they began to cry”

    THAT’S IT! HOW DOES IT END?!?!?!?! That ain’t a story, that’s the saddest sentence I’ve ever read/heard from a kid’s book!

    I feel you, mama… this was given to us as a gift and I wanted to give it away, but Madeline loves it and I don’t want to invest in another sing-song toy that I’ll end up hating just as much.

  2. Doodle has a creeper toy that somehow keeps turning itself back on. It’s a “magic laptop” or some shit. In the middle or relaxing, watching movies or what have you, it will just randomly pipe in in the most sadistic voice you can think of “I love you,” or “You are my friend.” Oh my dear lord, talk about heart-stopping the first time that happened. πŸ™‚
    I hear you completely with wanting to kill it with fire. Truly. Don’t even get me started on batteries…

  3. No toys we particularly hate, although Alex is a magician at interrupting a good song (1,2,3) by hitting a new key just as we get singing. I’ve resorted to pulling her away from her table so the song will finish before she can start a new one (why do toys have interruption built in – it should finish the darn song it started!).

    I do however hate that they change words to songs/rhymes. My cell phone has a baby phone app on it, and ring around the roses is also changed – what the heck? And then the play a completely inappropriate sounding rhyme i’ve never heard:
    “round and round the garden, like a teddy bear, one step two step, tickle you under there.” that sounds just wrong!

  4. Lisa says:

    We received TWO of those as gifts. One of which was broken and would just meow constantly, forever, without freaking end. So it got thrown in the donate pile never to be heard from again.

  5. Jen says:

    I hid ours under the crib, too!! It was so awful… My son would find it from time to time and if practically cry. And I am beyond sick of the interruptions. “M is for…” NEEDS TO FINISH before it says something else. Why are we inspiring ADD with this nonsense?

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