Here’s the Thing About Red Velvet

IT’S CHOCOLATE CAKE WITH A METRIC SHITTON OF RED FOOD COLORING.

SHUT THE !@$! UP ABOUT IT.

I fail to understand the appeal of this foodie fad.

Red velvet came about because of the reaction of the buttermilk and vinegar with cocoa powder back in the day or some crap like that. It was not developed to be a @#$@!% fashion statement of sweets. It’s honestly just Devil’s Food.

Not to say it doesn’t have its place. It does. As Armadillo Cake. And maybe some recipes do taste different…but the majority of the recipes I see are a relatively basic chocolate cake. With dye. Gross.

Alright, it looks neat. It’s dramatic, it’s pretty and that’s fine. But it’s the influx of red velvet flavored products that’s hork worthy.

Shit like Red Velvet hot cocoa? Just hot cocoa. It probably doesn’t taste any different than the Swiss Miss cocoa packets in your pantry. You may think it tastes different but it’s just psychosomatic. But if you want to be hipster and spend extra money on it, by all means. The economy thanks you.

And so help me god if you go banana sandwich crazy for Red Velvet Cake Balls.

Ugghhhh and don’t even get me STARTED on Cake Balls. Or Cake Pops. Or whatever the shit you call them.

But that’s another post.

Red Velvet cake is a way to deliver delicious cream cheese frosting to your facehole, you say? EAT CARROT CAKE. Get some veggies. Less Red Dye #40.

I don’t get it.

But you know what I find even more appalling? As seen on Pinterest: BLUE, GREEN OR BLACK VELVET CAKES.

What the !@#%@  $%@ is wrong with you people!? Save the food coloring for the frosting*. Or don’t dub them all “velvets”. Call it what it is: COLORED !@#%!ING CAKE. And adding food coloring to box cake mix is not a “recipe” so you’re not Martha Stewart. You’re Sandra Lee. And you suck.

What’s next? Red Velvet Pie? Red Velvet Brownies? Red Velvet Souffle? Red Velvet Casserole?

Shit. I just gave you all ideas, didn’t I?

I just. don’t. get. it.

 

*Exception: Those rainbow layer cakes at kids birthdays are pretty cute. But I must emphasize KID birthday. And it’s sad I have to stipulate that.

 

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13 thoughts on “Here’s the Thing About Red Velvet

  1. I wouldn’t mind, but they’re not even nice. They’re dry and crumbly and bland and people keep buying them for me as presents and I have to pretend I love them!!

  2. Ande says:

    I’m going to split from you here and come back tomorrow. Maybe have some cake. I won’t say what kind to avoid confrontation, but it rhymes with “schmed belbet.”

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