The Birthing: Part Three

Didn’t read the first two parts? Where have you been all week, slacker?

Part One
Part Two
Abridged Version

Part Three

At this point I’m about 15 hours into these shenanigans and roughly only four centimeters dilated which is pretty much nothing in the long run. They keep messing with the Pitocin dosage but I don’t even really care because I can’t feel a damn thing. I try to nap off and on but I can’t move to get comfy, the fetal heart rate monitor is distracting and I’m $%@^# starving. Like about to eat my hand starving.

Little A’s heart rate started going banana sandwich and I was not a fan of that. Cue nervous mama moments.

We did not go home and kick our dog out, don’t worry.

We couldn’t figure out how to work the TV but there was a VHS tape of Lady and the Tramp, so what the hell. We decided to watch it. Because that seems like a great thing to do while in labor. We had tablets and Netflix and there was WiFi available, but ya know. Let’s watch a VH-fricking-S of a cartoon about dogs on a 20-inch retro TV set with terrible reception. WHAT’S UP, WORLD RENOWNED HOSPITAL ACCOMODATIONS.

Did I mention I was starving? THE APPLE JUICE DOES NOTHING.

How to stay happy during labor: Drugs, Apple Juice, Smartphone.

The little dude’s heart rate kept going all over the place and we discovered that it shot up right before a contraction and way down during the contraction. Of course, this is all what the paper from the monitors told us because I was in happy numb body land.

And then it went down. And then it stayed down. And the nurse and the OB appeared like magic. I had dilated a little more in that time, but the OB was concerned that fetus kid was “sunny-side up” which made me just want breakfast. Apparently these sunny-side up fetuses often necessitate c-sections.

My ears perked up. Really?! C-Section?! This kid may just cooperate after all. See, the thing is, my mom had c-sections with all three of us and I’ve grown up thinking I would be the same way. I never even fathomed that I would push one of these things out. Even over the past eight months, I was thoroughly convinced that I would end up having a c-section, even when my OB said she did not foresee it being the case, aside from an emergency condition.


But then the nurse started dashing my hopes and dreams and pretzeled me up so I was lying on one side with one leg underneath me and the other on top of the mother^&$ing table and told me sometimes this trick works and the baby will flip over. BUT YOU CRAZY WOMAN, I DON’T WANT IT TO WORK.


It made Little A go balls out crazy. I felt more pressure from him (which, BTDubs, super weird being able to feel nothing from the waist down EXCEPT fetal movement, which made zero logical sense to me). So I railed on the self administered extra med button. And his heart rate kept going crazy with contractions and sometimes would disappear which would throw me into panic mode and then the sensors would find it again and I would be okay. For about a minute. Then it happened again.

About 20 minutes in this awkward position, I heard the heartbeat drop significantly and I KNEW this one would cause the nurse to be at my side within 30 seconds. I should have won a prize for my accuracy. What I was not expecting was the OB to be trailing right behind her.

This is bad. This could be it. STILL NOT READY.

She was explaining the c-section thing to me again as they flipped me off the table and over to my back. The OB checked me again and was astonished to find I was ready to go and the little f%^@er had flipped back to the right position.

THAT NURSES’ STUPID TRICK WORKED. Big A says: She said it would. She was 100% convinced this trick always worked. I called shenanigans because I hate hearsay and non-scientific wives’ tales…I was wrong here (I’m still calling it luck).

They started explaining the game plan to Big A. They asked me if I had taken any childbirth classes. I tried really hard not to laugh as I shook my head no. She explained how to push. And kept saying “bear down” which made me think of football and I will never look at the Chicago Bears the same. Not that I ever looked at them in a positive light anyway.

ANYWAY then it hit me that I was really going to have to push this thing out and I was not mentally prepared for that. The OB told the nurse to have the vacuum on call and I may have said aloud that that I didn’t want the vacuum because it causes coneheads and I didn’t want a conehead but I may have just thought it though I’m not really sure because I had no idea what was going on at that very moment.

There was a lot of rushing around and semi-frantic phone calls and I’m mostly worried about pushing out a conehead.

THIS WILL BE A CONEHEAD FREE FAMILY, DAMMIT. Big A says: except on DVD, we have Coneheads there.



5 thoughts on “The Birthing: Part Three

  1. I am cracking up about the Lady and the Tramp VHS. We had all kinds of media ready to go too but just ended up watching a show about puppies and a show about evil cats.

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