Dear @#%^ Mom:
Hey. It’s me, the baby. Remember the first week and a half when I cried all the f%^&#ing time? Yeah. That’s because I was hungry, you donut. I wasn’t crying to work out my lungs or irritate you for shits and giggles. I WAS STARVING.
When I was tanning in the hospital, they gave me protein shakes. And I totally liked them. The other ladies in the nursery were totally scoping me out. And then you took me home and the protein shakes disappeared, WTF was that about!? Also the ladies – WHERE ARE THE LADIES?? So here I am, in this new place, without my protein, no girls and you keep trying to feed me with one of your appendages and half the time you are crying during meal time and let’s be honest – that’s not very appetizing.
So I cried. A lot. Sue me.
And you cried. A lot. MAN UP.
You called some “lactation consultant” which I thought maybe would bring back the shakes. But instead, she told you to take away all supplements. TAKE AWAY ALL OF MY SUPPLEMENTS. I’m already being borderline malnourished and now you are taking away some of the few calories I have left?! HORSESHIT. That lasted five days, including a loud, obnoxious night in the hotel during the heat wave and power outage, where I tried to tell you I was hungry. And you gave me like an ounce of supplemental food. AN OUNCE. Like that’s going to do anything for me. Come on.
LUCKILY my new doctor and that crazy ex-Army nurse talked some $#^@ sense into you and got my back on the beefcake weight gain plan. It totally sucks to be you though, since you get to feed me every two hours now. I can’t help that you caused me to NOT GAIN WEIGHT. I’m a baby. I NEED TO GAIN WEIGHT, YOU IDIOT.
Now I am eating like a champ, although your milk machines can’t keep up with the demand (sorry about that, for real. I know you’re kinda upset about it) and you feel like a dairy cow. You’ve been popping pills that smell like maple syrup and drinking tea that smells like licorice. And I don’t mind, as long as you’ll give me more food when I’m still hungry. Hopefully your supply will increase (no offense, but it needs to increase by a ton) so you’ll stress less. Between the boob feedings and the bottle feedings and the pumping time, it really does seem like all you do is provide food.
But have you noticed I have been sleeping better? And you actually have to wake ME up in order to eat? BOOYAH.
I’m a growing boy, after all. Is it time for lunch yet?