Carefully Selecting Your Care Provider

Dear %@~! Baby.

You will need a doctor soon. So we found you one. It took me a whole five minutes to do so and that is five minutes I will never get back. And quite frankly, I am pretty flabbergasted at the effort exerted by so many parents in the quest to find THE PERFECT PEDIATRICIAN.

Case in point: the Barbara Walters-esque interview sessions. I’ve seen four-page questionnaires online as “guides”. I don’t understand. So many questions. Just because a soon-to-be mom (or dad) has time to spend sitting with a doctor asking him questions like “what are your thoughts and opinions on breastfeeding?” and “do you like spaghetti?” does not mean that the doctor has time for this game. They may have, you know, sick ^%&!$ kids to attend to. Or lots of evil vaccinations to administer*.

*I am not of the mindset that vaccinations are evil. Not even close. I plan to fully vaccinate. Hell, I had ten vaccinations last year. In one day! We love vaccinations in this family. Yellow Fever? NOT AFRAID OF YOU. 

After a visit or two, maybe the baby/mom/dad/doctor connection is just not meshing. Guess what! THEY CAN GO SEE ANOTHER ONE! It’s not like a contract has been signed with the ONE doctor and breaking it will cost them thousands of dollars in early termination fees. But, Little @$%#, you will soon learn that people are dumb.

We decided to not waste the time. It’s not that we don’t care about you, it’s just that we don’t really care who takes the temperature out of your butt, weighs you and tells us head measurement percentiles.

So this is how we selected your pediatrican:

There is a Pediatric office attached to my Physician and OB/GYN office which is five minutes from our house. Done.

The website included bios and pictures. There were six to choose from.

Grandma B said, “choose a young pediatrician.” That cut the list in half.

I didn’t like the facial hair selection of one doctor. He looked sort of lame and semi-douchey. He was eliminated.

That left a male and a female. I talked to Big A and asked if he had a preference on who you saw. He choose the male. I guess because you’ll both have penises so you’ll have something in common.



If you don’t like him, suck it up or make your own damn appointments.


12 thoughts on “Carefully Selecting Your Care Provider

  1. Love it! I never got all the hype either. Pick a damn doctor and move on to decorating the nursery or something. Luckily we got lucky with our 5 minute selection. And he got lucky too. His staff said we are the only family that he cracks a smile with. I will take that as a compliment. We are a nutty bunch! Thanks for sharing!

  2. That’s about as much thought as we put into it, too. We don’t have time for day-long interviews with doctors. I can barely stand short conversations with doctors as it is. I’m pretty sure you’re doing it right.

    • I mean, what can you really expect? They aren’t going to look at the pregnant belly and say “Oh, no. your kid is a monster. I refuse to treat it”? I can see why crunchy granola parents may do it, I guess. But I hate granola.

  3. I interviewed a pediatrician because What To Expect made it sound like this was extremely necessary. I felt like an idiot the whole time because I asked her like two questions of the 9,375 they had listed in the book. Of course I went with her. I couldn’t go through that whole little charade again with another doctor. She is, of course, fine.

  4. Marisa says:

    I’m surprised it took five minutes! I was told I was seeing the pediatrician on base. Done before I was even in the 2nd trimester! (I still don’t know if it is a he or she, young or old!)

  5. All I did to choose my pediatrician was ask my co-worker where they went? Good enough for them = good enough for me.

    Just found your blog through Broken Condoms. Love it. You’re hilarious!

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