Let’s Have a Serious Moment Here

Dear #$&$! Baby.

If you are baby all grown up, I suggest you stop reading now, lest you taint your vision of your saintly and awesome mother.

Is it gone? GOOD. Let’s continue.

I never said I was into the whole “motherhood” thing. I’ve never been that way. The only non-Barbie doll I ever remember having was a cabbage patch doll named Becky Freckidela* that I am pretty sure molded into the chair I placed her in after I was five. As it states on my About Me page, I haven’t changed a diaper except for on aforementioned Becky Freckidela during a babysitting class when I was nine and had to pry her from the aforementioned chair. So no, being a mom was never really up my alley. I figured it would happen, but I would like their toys more than them. Hot damn, do I love toys.

I am beginning to be afraid that’s actually what’s going to happen.

When I would grimace or dry-heave at the mention of being a mom, I would always hear “but you’ll love it when it’s yours!” And I would laugh. And shrug. And say maybe. Now I am questioning the validity of my first reaction.

It sort of creeps me out when I hear moms-to-be gush and go crazy for their fetus. That they knew it in their hearts when it happened. That they fell in love with it after hearing its heartbeat or seeing it during the ultrasound. Well. I’ve heard the heartbeat. I’ve seen it. Twice. And I’m not gushing about it. It’s just a fetus, right?? It’s a little blob that moves around that sort of looks like it has human features that is apparently enjoying making a waterbed out of me.

I’m still not totally convinced that this isn’t an elaborate prank and the ultrasound tech is in on it and plays someone else’s recorded video while she rubs warm goo on my cheese belly for like, no reason.

Big A asked me a while ago when I was going to stop the charade of not being excited. And I felt bad enough that I’m pretty sure I didn’t tell him the truth – it isn’t really a charade. I suppose a bit of it is, due to my sarcastic attitude. But really, none of it has been an act or for show. A big part of me wants to jump up and down and shove sonograms in people’s faces and go all gaga nutso over MY little alien fetus but that is what truly feels fake.

I have my excited moments. And it wouldn’t be normal if I wasn’t terrified at the future post-June and onwards. But can I say I love it? No, not yet. Most of the time I don’t even know it’s THERE. I keep waiting for that holyshitohmygod moment. Fifteen weeks and still waiting.

Maybe it’ll be finding out the sex or feeling it move for the first time that will send me over the HOLY SHIT I LOVE A BABY edge. Hopefully it will happen at some point, otherwise I will feel pretty bad for this crazy hamster.

*My brothers named her after a German-esque hamburger dish that my mom makes. The name stuck. Awesome.

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15 thoughts on “Let’s Have a Serious Moment Here

  1. No matter how you feel about it, it’s one lucky little guy/gal you’ve got there since it’ll have you for a mom. 🙂 I love your attitude about everything; very refreshing and realistic 🙂

  2. Some animals eat their young. Consider that your bar and say you’ve won if you don’t bring hot sauce with you to the delivery. That’s the standard I’m going by for myself. I’m a winner by that benchmark. I’m not even looking toward the superdads to compare myself.

  3. Oh my god, I feel the same way… It is slowly getting better but I have definitely had to work on trying to go easy on my skepticism and practice little speeches to myself in the mirror. You know, just trying to remind myself that my mommy-hating, childless days are numbered and that I have up suck it up now…
    Dammit.

  4. I think you sound perfectly normal. The people who are jumping up & down and freaking out about how “in love” they are with something the size of a tooth are the ones that scare me.

    • YES! Those are the terrifying ones! “I am growing a thing the size of a pea and I am bursting with joy and I never knew I could love ANYTHING as much as I love this pea!!!!” I’m going to love punching you in the saccharine noggin, I’ll tell you what.

  5. It may feel more ‘real’ when you can feel it moving around or know the sex however – I’m 24 weeks and I feel her moving a lot and most of the time the movement just drives me crazy. I’m trying to work/relax/stitch etc. stop kicking my stomach and making me feel like I might have to run to the bathroom! Not many people understand that feeling, I get a lot of “Don’t you LOVE feeling her kick”, “I loved being pregnant and feeling the baby move around” – IF she moved when I was laying down and paying attention only – sure it’d be great and I do love when my husband has felt her kick (although if they’re that strong I’m usually having convulsions at the time because they startle me).

    Finding out she was a she was ‘fun’, I guess, but it was tempered with a ‘i’m pretty sure it’s a girl – about 85%’. When I went back at 23 weeks for a second ultrasound/sex check and she said – yup it’s a girl, I started to feel a bit more confident about everything and more excited (not about kicks but about the whole thing). It does help that second trimester has been ‘easy’ symptom wise – i’m dreading how i’ll feel third trimester when it gets ‘tough’ again 😦

    Goodluck with it all!

  6. I really loved my first baby when she was born. Being pregnant was awful– first time and second time with twins. No moments of glowing loveliness. Just sickness, tiredness and swelling. I truly loved my children when I saw them and held them. It all changes. And sometimes it even takes a little while after the birth to settle into this… Good luck!

  7. calliope says:

    To be perfectly honest, I resented my previous pregnancy a lot. It wasn’t until I saw a 3D ultrasound at 30something weeks that I fell in love, and he is now the light of my life.

    With you as a mom, I bet your baby is going to be ridiculously cute and charming, and you won’t be able to help but love it for all its blinginess.

  8. I really did love being pregnant. But I had wanted a baby for a while, so I was happy to be pregnant, and I was lucky that my only pregnancy issues were headaches and heartburn. It did, however, feel surreal and like a big joke for the first few months. When she finally moved around 18 weeks, I finally felt like something was really happening and my excitement jumped off the charts. A real live human being in my belly! Although, when I really thought about it, and still think about it… a real live human being grew in my belly! What?!?! So maybe when it begins to move and it sinks in that this is really happening you may get a little twinge of love for that thing in your belly.

  9. I was the gal that made all of my friends, including the awkward periphery ones, touch my hiccuping belly. Or the foot rolling, butt pushing out, swimming…you name it. I wanted everyone involved. Because I was excited! Strangers open doors for you, give you smiles as they pass, and talk to you out of the blue. All because of the big belly. Once that BEBE is out, you’re part of the crowd again. Even though the kid is here, which is what we’re all waiting for. Not to mention that you’re haggard from lack of sleep and covered in something sticky – strangers don’t give you a seat on the bus for that.

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