THE Birth Plan

I have written and completed my very specific birthplan. I hope the doctors can understand it and will follow it precisely.

Phase One: Administer Epidural

Phase Two:

Phase Three: PROFIT  BABY

What’s Phase Two? I don’t f&*#$%ng care. Just get that thing out in one piece.

Again, just like choosing a pediatrician, I do not get the need for multi-page documents. I am not going natural, I am not into breathing techniques, I’m not opposed to C-Sections, in fact I sort of TOTALLY want one, I like drugs (not those kind of drugs, numbskulls), I don’t care who delivers the thing, just get it out.

In one piece.

 

Delivery Room Math