Registering the Fear

Before Big A left, we hit up the local baby superstore to register for all the baby crap that apparently people want to buy us. Let me tell you – that was one eye-opening experience. For real.

There is an extreme mental block I have with the thing. I think it’ll all be over at the due date. Like things are going to go back to normal the first week of July when in fact that’s when things just get started. Possibly get out of control.

So looking at cribs and high chairs and bedding and car seats and strollers and diapers and clothes and shit made that mental block sort of explode and I was totally overwhelmed. Heart racing, ready to pee my pants, deep breaths necessary overwhelmed. We have zero idea what we’re doing here. Does it need this shit? What the hell is that thing for? I’m not going to cut its damn fingernails, what if I hack the creepy finger off?! You’re supposed to brush its gums?

Wow.

Did I ever want to hightail it out of that place.

I don’t know the difference between necessities and frivolousities, good and bad, safe or unsafe. If it looked good, we scanned it. If it cracked us up (hello, Andy Bernard baby outfits) we scanned it. If we saw someone else scan it, WE F^&#ING SCANNED IT. But it got all kinds of crazy up in there. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone who heard us in-store followed us out to the parking lot, wrote down our license plate and called up CPS to warn them in advance.

and you're going to be responsible for me?!

WHY ARE THERE 47 DIFFERENT KINDS OF BOTTLES?! HOW THE HELL ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHICH ONES TO BUY??

YOU’RE NOT GOING TO REGISTER FOR THE SERTA MATTRESS?? MIGHT AS WELL LET HIM SLEEP ON A ROCK.

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU DO WITH 23 DIFFERENT TYPES OF BLANKETS?!

DO THEY WEAR SOCKS??

IF THE CHANGING TABLE IS TOO CLOSE TO THE CRIB IS HE GOING TO SHOOT THE PEE INTO IT LIKE TARGET PRACTICE?? IT’S A VALID QUESTION.

YEAH, LET’S BUY HIM THE NEWBORN CUPCAKE TOY THAT WEIGHS A POUND AND WATCH HIM SMACK HIMSELF IN THE FACE WITH IT. WHY DOES THIS EXIST??

WHAT THE F@$% IS A BUMBO?!

HELL YEAH, REGISTER FOR THE BUTT PASTE!!

And holy shit, don’t even get me started on the breast pump section. I straight up sprinted into another aisle like I was racing Usain Bolt.

Oh shit, I’m hyperventilating again.

We totally registered for Jorts diapers, though. I mean, seriously. How could we deprive him of those?

12 thoughts on “Registering the Fear

  1. I had the same reaction, but managed not to lose my shit for two reasons:
    1) I got to hold the gun. It was badass.
    2) Karli is a planner. She researched and compared and knew the big stuff before we ever stepped foot in there. We still had a couple conjoined, “Oh shit, do we need this, what the hell is this for, what are we doing?” moments, but the pregnant lady’s compulsive researching helped us get through those. Mostly, if we didn’t know, we just registered for it anyway.

    If you want some baby product advice, I can’t help you, but hit up Karli on Twitter or something and she can tell you what she knows. (She’s a fan of your blog, by the way, so she’d totally be glad to.)

    • Yeah…we just went on a whim so we could do it before he left and had zero product planning. I ended up spending the next few nights researching different options and organizing things into Excel (nerd alert). I think we’ve got it figured out more or less, but we could have used Karli’s researched knowledge a few weeks ago!

      I figure this round is trial and error anyway, so we’ll just see what happens!

  2. Ugh. I wanted to KILL MYSELF the first time I went into a baby store. I had no idea what all that crap was and if it was necessary. I still don’t. I just ended up registering for a whole ton of stuff and hopefully seasoned moms will only buy us the things we actually need.

  3. I’m going to make this easy on you:

    1) Get the kind of bottle that matches your breast pump. That way you have interchangeable nipples and you just grab what’s closest. Get BPA free and you’re good to go. You *might* come across a time where he doesn’t like a certain nipple and you can try some other kinds, but we just did what was easiest to freeze/thaw/serve.

    2) They sleep on that mattress for 3 years, maybe 4. Just get one that you can wipe down, because there will be pee. And other stuff.

    3) I had blankets in everything at first – in the car, in the diaper bag, at the grandparents’. Eventually you don’t need so many dang blankets, but it is nice for the overflowing pee diaper nights, just just switch it out. Get a dillion mattress covers, including the smaller ones to throw over the wet spot.

    4) Lots and lots of socks. Don’t get shoes until they’re crawling/cruising. And then, get a soft-soled shoe. Robeez is awesome!

    5) I hear boys pee far.

    6) The best toy for the early days is a blanket slash stuffed something. You know what’s even better? If it has tags. Once they become aware of holding something, they LOVE to mess with the tags.

    7) A Bumbo is a hilarious sitting apparatus that makes your child look amusing and it distracts them from crying because they’re basically doing crunches.

    8) Boudreaux’s butt past is AWESOME and we got the huge tub, and are still using it 2 years later. It’s not great for cloth diapers though. Stains.

    Is that way more than you ever wanted in the comments?

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