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What a Week! From HELLLLL.

It started off being exhausted from a weekend in Chicago filled with too much walking, an epic concert, a sorority reunion and a couple otters. Also an amazingly ludicrous meltdown that had a toddler crying, drooling, spitting, flailing and melting from downtown Chicago to Midway Airport, through the baggage check line, past security and all the way to the gate. So that was a fun ending to the trip. But the flight? Mot@#$!f#@$ angel. At least he gave me that.

Cloud Gate, Chicago

Bean there, done that.

Then I had to/was forced to get rid of my beautiful, fun to drive but totally unnecessary and soon to be too small vehicle because the lease was ending and I never went back to work so it wasn’t exactly an affordable option anymore.

Cadillac SRX Goodbye

The End of the Road. You belonged to me.

And my options became a 1996 Jeep that smelled like feet. Or a 2012 $#%$@!$! pimped out vehicle that had everything we needed. Space, convenience, DVD system, comfort, everything.

Should have been an easy choice to make, right? Until you know that the pimp mobile was hidden in a goddamn minivan.

A $%^@#$@ #%^@#%$@ @#$@#$ MINIVAN.

I cried at the dealership when I said goodbye to the old and again on the way home when I had to drive the new.

Because it’s a minivan. I never wanted to be a minivan mom. Even though it’s so practical I want to vomit. It’s perfect. EXCEPT FOR THOSE LAME ASS SLIDING DOORS.

Lame Van

It’s big. It’s hideous. It screams I’ve given up. And that’s exactly what it means. That’s stinky Feet Jeep next to it.

The week continued when we came home from #lamevan purchase to discover a leaking water heater, rendering us cold for EIGHT DAYS because the warranty company ordered the wrong one and we’re at the mercy of property management and the only silver lining is that as renters we had to pay exactly zero dollars for it.

Living like the Ingalls for a week and boiling water for dishes and baths is not exactly on my list of recommendations.

Not enough for a bath, trust me.

Kid was acting his age all week and I just couldn’t. So I didn’t. Which made me feel like a failure. Which made me anxious. Which made me feel more exhausted. Which made me wonder how I’m ever going to make it with two. Which made me feel worse. And I gave up all over again. A couple deep breaths, some early bed times and lots of sugar are slowly making everything feel okay again.

I have to pay a speeding ticket I got in 2003 which I thought I had paid in 2008 but apparently didn’t because there’s no record of it and instead of continuing to avoid the issue because lolololol I’m not a resident of that state and never have been anyway, I now NEED to pay it because in a turn of events I’m going to have to be a resident of that state now and there’s $200 down the drain for going 8 mph over limit coming home from doing laundry and watching Degrassi: TNG at a friends house my senior year of college.

In truth, it really wasn’t that bad. But all smushed together in a span of a few days, holy shit did I feel drained. There were a few good moments, too. I had a great appointment and baby and I are doing obnoxiously fine. We got to see two of our fab friends in a quick visit while they were in town and take the kid swimming in the “BIG POOL!”. I received super wonderful maternity photos that my best friend took in Chicago but my bad mood tainted my view of them and I felt like a Momzilla. I’ll post more when I feel better about myself.

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Photo by Melissa McClure Photography

Yeah, it’s the same dress. I didn’t know I was going to post all these pics together when I styled myself for two different days. I also refuse to buy new clothes and this is like, the ONE purchase I’ve made. Sue me.

I’m gonna go take the longest, hottest shower ever now that the heater has been heating for a little over for the recommended hour and I’m gonna wash this funky smell away and wash the dumb away and soak the fail away. And later tonight I’m gonna scrub the almost-three year old attitude off of stinky, sticky, slightly slimy kid and take some more deep breaths, a whiff of bourbon and start the weekend off so fresh and so clean.

Take this opportunity to hug your water heater, people. It's amazing.

Take this opportunity to hug your water heater, people. It’s amazing.

Also hoping this rant gets me back in the groove so I can fill you in on all the other crazy shit that’s been happening in the Expletive House!

Have a better weekend than I had week and drink one (or several) in my honor. Because I needed them. And you probably do too after reading this shizz.

 

Irish Cupcakes. Yes, Again.

Irish Car Bomb Cupcakes - More booze than your average recipe means more delicious for your facehole.

Irish Cupcakes, made with Guinness, Baileys and Jameson. More booze than your average recipe means more delicious for your facehole.

Everyone and their dog has a recipe for Irish Cupcakes, aka Irish Car Bombs. But let’s be real here, mine are going to be the best. Because I add extra booze. If you’re going to put booze in cupcakes, you better be able to #@%$@ taste it and the recipes I started with, well, they just tasted like cupcakes. Not booze cakes. I LIKE BOOZE CAKES.

For the unfamiliar, there are Guinness chocolate cupcakes, Jameson whiskey ganache filling and Baileys buttercream to top it all off. Yeah. I know, right?

Let me get the semantics out of the way, I know there’s a bit of cupcake and cocktail controversy around the Irish Car Bomb moniker, but it’s not my fault these are based off the drink such named. I made these for a charity event once and called them Irish Trifecta and no one knew what the F I was talking about. As soon as I switched to Car Bombs they went F@$K YES GIMME SOME.

So. Call them whatever you want. Just make them. 

Coring Cupcakes to Fill

The innards are the best part. They are your reward. Don’t share.

These cupcakes are not complicated, but they can be a little time consuming since they are baked, filled and frosted. Worth it.

These cupcakes are also NOT going to get your kids wasted, but you’re also not gonna wanna to share them anyway. Give them some plain Guinness cupcake innards and tell them to GTFO. (Actually, don’t give them the innards because those are GR8. Make them some box cake and tell them to GTFO). I mean, there’s probably less than a quarter cup of booze in a full batch. I used to get that much Baileys to sip on at age 8 while playing dice at my grandparents house. My family is awesome. Don’t hate.

Let me tell you, the Guinness chocolate cake is easily my favorite and my go-to chocolate cake recipe. It’s super moist, super dark and just a little bitter. The other two elements can be boozed up to taste, depending on how much you love whiskey and Irish cream. None of the recipes I’ve come across call for whipping of the ganache, but  it makes the filling go much further and it’s way easier to get into the cupcakes than it’s unwhipped counterpart. It almost becomes a mousse.

Yeah. Chocolate whiskey mousse. You heard me. If you make mini cupcakes, a half batch will generally be enough if you whip it, whip it good. Regular size cupcakes will usually use a full batch. But who are we kidding, just make the full batch no matter what and hide in the closet and eat the extra. I won’t tell. I’ve been there. Or just frost the cupcakes with this moussey delight and forego the Baileys. No judgement.

Ok. Now that you’ve been aptly warned, primed and you’re @$#%$!@ ready, let’s do this.

 

Irish Cupcakes / Car Bomb Cupcakes / Trifecta Cupcakes

Guinness Cupcakes

1 stick unsalted butter
12 oz. Guinness
½ tsp. vanilla extract
2 c. all-purpose flour
2 c. granulated sugar
¾ c. natural unsweetened cocoa powder
1 tsp. salt
1 ¼ tsp. baking soda
¾ c. sour cream
3 eggs

Jameson Ganache

8 ounces bittersweet chocolate
2/3 cup heavy cream
2 tablespoons butter
1 to 3 tablespoons Jameson or other Irish whiskey

Baileys Buttercream

1/2 to 3/4 stick of room temp butter (add a pinch of salt if using unsalted)
3 to 4 tablespoons of Irish Cream
3 to 4 cups of powdered sugar
splash of vanilla
milk


 

Preheat oven to 350°. Make your kid put the cupcakes liners in the pans to give him something to do.

In a small saucepan over medium heat, combine the butter, Guinness and vanilla. Stir occasionally until butter is melted. Stir in cocoa until mixed and set aside to cool for at least 10 minutes.

In a large bowl, mix together the flour, sugar, salt and baking soda. Using an electric mixer or your badass stand mixer, gradually combine with the Guinness mixture in three additions. Add in the sour cream, then the eggs one by one. Mix until thoroughly combined. 

Pour the batter into the prepared cupcake tins, filling each cup about 2/3 full. Bake for 22 to 28 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in the center of a cupcake comes out clean. Mini cupcakes take about 12 to 15 minutes. Leave in the pan to cool for 5 minutes, then finish cooling on a wire rack.

If you’re all fancy like, chop your chocolate and put it in a heatproof bowl. If you’re lazy like me, pour chocolate chips into a bowl. Heat the cream until hot (simmering hot, not boiling) and pour over the chocolate. Let it sit for a minute and then whisk until smooth, heating on a double boiler if necessary to finish the melting job. Add the butter in small pieces, add in the whiskey and continue to whisk until combined. The amount of whiskey used is solely depending on your love of the stuff, so taste and add as you see fit.

Let the ganache cool, stirring every so often. Once it’s cool but still soft, you can use it as is or whip the shit out of it with a mixer until fluffy and it lightens in color a bit. It won’t take more than a few minutes.

Filling mini cupcakes is easiest with a giant star tip. Just stab-jam it in there and squeeze until starts oozing out the top. With normal size cupcakes, coring them works best. With a paring knife, take the middle core out and set aside to eat later. Then fill it in with filling, obviously. Regardless of cupcake size, I always add a little extra ganache to the top anyway and cover it with the frosting. Because why the %$@! not.

Time to frost, bitches. With a mixer, beat the softened butter, vanilla and about a tablespoon of Baileys. The Bailey’s flavor is fairly strong in this stuff so start there and you can add more as necessary. Slowly start adding the powdered sugar so you don’t create a snowstorm. Continue adding Baileys and/or milk to thin as needed and to taste, add powdered sugar to thicken to whatever thickness you prefer.

Pipe or spread or smear on the cupcakes and you’re @#%!@# ready to go. I love to use that same giant star tip to frost – it makes pretty swirls and quick work of the job.

I know the frosting recipe is pretty…non recipe, but it’s really a by feel thing without measurements, based on how much Baileys flavor you want and how thick you’ll need it, so. Deal with it. You can do it, I have faith in you.

*recipe components adapted mostly from Smitten Kitchen and a cupcake recipe I’ve had for years, pre-Pinterest, so I have no actual idea where it came from.


Any questions? Call your mom. That’s as good as I get when it comes to writing recipes. If you make these, I’d love to know what you think!

Just get ready to do a lot of dishes. Sorry.

The Aftermath. Doesn't even include the cupcake mess.

The Aftermath. Doesn’t even include the cupcake mess.

Photo Friday: The Announcement

Well, my $%!#!@ loyal readers who have stuck around, it’s time you knew about what I sort of alluded to with “having much to say this year” in my last post that was forever ago because that’s how I roll now.

Chalk Baby Announcement

Promotion or Demotion? YOU DECIDE.

 

!#%!#$ Baby Round Two. Electric @%##!ooo. Or something. I don’t know. I only get a half cup of coffee every morning so my creativity is about as awesomely creative as dryer lint.

We announced to our families at Christmas, wrapping a framed picture. Let me tell you, the photo turned out to be not as straightforward as I had originally thought and it took some dear family members way too long to figure it out.

Who know who you are.

Others screamed like banshees before the wrapping paper was off.

You know who you are.

So far the second pregnancy has been much like the first, except with some extra added heartburn and a few nights of not eating dinner after I cooked it because it smelled like feet.

Let me tell you something, however. I do not look like I did before. I’m 18 weeks as of today, and I do not look as glamorously fashionable as I did at 17.5 weeks last time. And it isn’t just because I spend all day in pajamas now.

Just be advised if you only have one kid so far and will someday have a second, people DO NOT LIE about the second popping sooner. It pretty much pops when you conceive. So that’s neat. You almost don’t need to pee on a stick.

I’ll try to get some comparison shots, but that requires getting dressed. And pants. Probably a shower. And makeup. #%$!# you guys, that’s a lot of work.

There you have it.

Is the world ready for #%!$ Baby 2.0? I guess we’ll find out somewhere around July 31!

 

Resolutions Smesolutions

It should come as no surprise, but I totally !@$%! suck at New Years Resolutions. Last year, I shared with you what I planned to do and how blogging about them would maybe hold me accountable. It didn’t. I accomplished 25% of my resolutions. One out of four. ONE. success_baby Continue reading

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Here We Goat Again!

It’s been a crazy month of packing, moving, driving, unpacking, a slew of bugs and learning the lay of new lands and states. There is much to be said about all that but you’ll probably never read it. Somehow, in the midst of the crazy, we made one last visit to the farm in Maryland we’ve taken Little A to every year

Kid still likes goats. This year he also liked chasing the chickens, blatantly ignoring the DON’T CHASE THE CHICKENS sign, that rebel. He finally sat still long enough to not be a blur or an immobile lump in the pumpkin patch. He also rode a horse that was supposed to be a pony but was pretty much a horse.

I also learned that my camera is cursed at this particular latitude and longitude. The past two visits, my camera would shut down and I would have to take the battery out in order for it to work again. I thought it was something with the sensors and the sun or some shiut, because it was always super bright and I was usually trying to get glare, but this year was overcast and it STILL happened. It’s never happened anywhere else. Ever. So cool story, bro. Continue reading